Come back, be here

I'm almost home. Two more days and it's thanksgiving break which means getting to relax a bit and catch up on homework and sleep. Either way, I'm just ready for a break. I have been filling out the RUF application this week, or at least starting to, and it's pretty intense. It's making me step back from my life and say how did I get here...where do I want to be. A lot of heavy stuff comes with that. I would certainly say that I am in a good place. God's been working in my life in ways that I didn't think possible, and I've been broken many many times in the last year. I think at this moment in time the biggest problem is that I don't know if I am being selfish, or if things really do need to change. I found myself in a car tonight verbally expressing all the pint up feelings I have had for a while now and it's hard to shake. Once it's out there, once the words have been expressed, it becomes real. I don't know if I have unrealistic expectations of relationships, or maybe I just know what a good thing looks like and can't help but compare. Maybe that's wrong--but what if it's not. Do not get me wrong, I am happy, I haven't been lying about that. I've just been having doubts...moments of puzzlement where I just don't know what to say. In those moments I come home, put on a movie or read a book, and live vicariously for just a few minutes in the lives of those fictional characters. I think that's why I love books and movies so much. No matter how many times I experience it, it's just as good, but there is something familiar about knowing the ending, knowing everything gets wrapped up in a neat tight bow. I don't doubt that my life will be where it should or that things will get tied up nicely, I just don't know what that may look like. There you have it. A lot of very generic thoughts about life. I'm still processing.